Forced into the game of tagging

I have been forced to this game of tagging. Had it been anyone else other than Varun who had tried to pull me in a game like this, I would have ignored it. Let me start with mentioning the rules of this game:
RULE #1: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by them.
RULE #2: Tag 6 people to do this quiz and they cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

So here I go with the questions and their answers.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
There is not much left in love after betrayal. So I guess it would be time to be jolted back to the real world and move on.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
I dream to be successful in whatever I choose to do. And after all that, have a building where all my friends take floors with their families. Nothing more is needed out of life.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
This might sound saintly but I do not hold grudges against anyone.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Buy that building that I have mentioned in 2 and of course, invest so that the billion keeps coming.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
If the best friend is a girl - I would not be averse to the idea.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
To be loved is more blessed, but to love is more satisfying.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
A bird in hand is better than two in the bush.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Tell her my feelings and leave it at that. If she chooses me, I'd be glad, if not I would move on and pray that I am not late in the future.

9. If you like to act with someone, who will it be? Your gf/bf or an actress/actor?
If it is a casual act, anyone is fine. But if it is a serious act, I would like to act with whoever is better at the job. I am not sure how I would fair in acting, though - so would need veterans to carry the act.

10. What takes you down the fastest?
Lack on enthusiasm in people and places.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
Married, with kids, and settled with my friends as neighbours and a name to reckon with in my profession.

12. What’s your fear?
That I lose interest in what I do.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
I have a few words in mind, but cannot mention them here in the public domain. He will be my companion on the Leh Trip that we are planning, so cannot afford to annoy him.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
What makes you think that I cannot be married and rich? But if I have to choose, it would be single and rich - so that I have the building I have been mentioning earlier. With so many friends around, not having a spouse might not be problem.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Get out of bed if the time is right, else go back to sleep.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
I would give all that it takes to make the relationship work without changing what makes 'me'.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
I do not think I will be so fortunate to have a multiple choice there.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
I would forgive but not forget. Not forgetting would not let me repeat the mistake.

19. What are your three most important expectations in love (Original Question: Will you marry me?)
a.) Accept me and love me as I am
b.) Trust
c.) Communication

20. List 6 people to tag:
I do not have so many options. I will tag two:
Arnab
Kumar Prashant

I am not sure if the two will take the time. I want them to, but will have no hard feelings if they choose not too.

-CK-

Memoirs

I had planned to write about my recent trip to Manchester, Blackpool and Liverpool. But then today I felt I should share some part of myself with my readers. It is not often that I open up like this, but then I feel that many people are faced with the same issues and if my experiences help even one person, I would consider my post a success.

Statutory Warning: The author does not claim to be an authority on any subject. He only shares his experiences and what he has learnt from them. Readers are advised to exercise their discretion and decide what suits them best.

I will try and share some incidents from my life. They are still quite close to me and feel as if they are only from yesterday. My hands are sweating even at the thought of writing them down. So let me apologise in advance if I become incoherent at times.

Experience 1

Scene 1

It was first year of my college and a friend of mine (a girl - let's call her X) and I often used to go places by public buses. My friend used to fall asleep withing minutes of getting on the bus, but I could hardly sleep. It was on these bus rides that we became very good friends from being just classmates. She used to sleep in such awkward ways and her head would dangle from side to side and at times she would wake up with a jolt - thanks to the bumpy rides. One day I offered my shoulder to her so that she could lean her head on it and gradually it became a default.

Scene 2

Sometime in the first year one of X's friends came to Kolkata (I have done my B. Tech from Kolkata, in case you did not know). By that time I had proposed to her, but she had not said anything. Our friendship had grown stronger and I was passing each day in hope that some day I would hear from her that she felt the same way about me. Anyways... that is another story and let us not digress. So we went to Howrah to receive her friend. His name was V (data protection you see - can't disclose names and addresses). V was a nice guy, very cheerful and friendly. On our way back we took a bus. X was sitting between the two of us and as expected she dozed off within minutes. As had become a practice with me (or what they call acquired resonse to stimulus), I offered my shoulder to her and held her head in place with my palm. We reached home. V stayed with me till he was in Kolkata and he had a pleasant presence.

Scene 3

After V had left, X told me that he had told her that he felt bad when he saw her lean her head on my shoulders. I was taken aback by the statement and realized that X was not too happy about it either. I regained my composure and tried to see V's point. I think I understood and tried to explain to her. I was worried that this one passing thought might jeopardise X's relation with V. I explained to her that it could be the manifestation of his possessiveness for her even as a friend because after all he was her school friend and X and I had met only about six months back. Hence he felt he was much close to her than I was and hence she should have rested her head against his shoulder and not mine. It was no big deal as he did not know that it was more of a stimulus and response relationship between X and me - her sleeping being the stimulus and my offering her my shoulder being my response to the stimulus.

All of this may sound very childish and funny to my readers but then we were still kids then and as they say - the head does not have a say in matters of the heart.

After months of persuasion, X did give in and confessed her feelings for me. I cannot tell you how happy I was. But the possessive lover in me was soon to raise his ugly head...

Experience 2

X had a friend... her best friend (let me call him A)... He was a guy and it troubled me for the best part of my college life. At first I never told anything to X and kept everything to myself. But then it soon became visible to her. We started fighting over him and it started troubling here. I later came to know that she was having the same problem with A about me. She had become a pendulum swinging between her love and her best friend and finding time to spend with both of us.

I felt miserable about myself, but still could not get over my possessiveness. I decided to keep it to myself as X was already so troubled. But how long can someone hide a rot. Rotten thoughts always came to my mind and screwed my happiness and peace of mind. One day the dam broke and I burst at her. We wept more and talked less but then I had to get it out of my system. The more important thing was that we communicated. X, A and I started spending time together by the start of final year and soon A and I became very good friends. Only then did I realize what I big fool, a moron, I had been all along.

These were my experiences and now let me explain the idea that I am trying to drive home.

1) It is important to communicate with your friends and partners. And to communicate does not mean only to talk. It is equally important to listen (probably more important). To communicate means to understand the said as well as the unsaid (in which I am pathetic - after all I am no God). This is a process and has to happen at every stage in any relationship for it to stand the test of time.

2) In love it is more important to look from your partner's perspective than to drive your own point home. This not only avoids conflict but also creates better understanding.

3) Understand that your partner is also an individual with her own way of life, with her own set of friends (boys as well as girls), her own aspirations, her own way of life. While every individual has to change slightly and adjust to make any relationship successful, it should always be the individuals own decision and should not be imposed by anyone else. The individual should have his space in any relationship. Whenever this space is violated the individual feels suffocated, he feels caged.

4) Trust and honesty are the wheels that keep a relationship on track and communication is the fuel that keeps it running.

Phew! I feel like a preacher... does not suit someone who failed in his own relationship miserably, isn't it? But the fact is that I have learnt things the hard way - I always have - and do not want anyone to repeat the same mistakes. Even if one of my readers sees the point then my purpose of writing this post would be served.

In case you are wondering why I have held back all the names, let me end the suspense. X is my ex. She is happily married now and I did not want to refer to her in any way. If any of my readers from the west are perplexed at the issue of a girl being friends with a boy, it is still a much debated topic in my part of the world. I have gained enlightenment and I pray many other men do so soon.

-CK-

What have you learnt from your past relationships?

My dear readers,

Your self-proclaimed love guru is back with this write up. I have been trying to write on love for sometime now, but as they say you cannot plan love. But what I have realized is that you cannot plan writing about love either. Today, I was planning to write something on the Union Budget 2008-09, but it was not to be. I was browsing through one of my friend's profile where her response to the question, "From my past relationships I have learnt..." caught my eye and forced me to think. Before I tell you what her answer was, let me tell you what I have learnt. I have learnt that any relationship cannot be built on conditions. Love is about selflessness. Any relationship built on conditions cannot last. Conditions reduce a relationship to a meagre agreement, a mere Memorandum of Understanding which is bound to be broken sooner or later. Whenever an expression of love is associated with an 'if' or 'but', the expression is not entirely true. I hope you would agree.

When you love someone, you love a person as a whole. Now that person has some positives and some negatives (again these vary on how you perseive those qualities). The definition of good and bad may vary, but the eternal truth is that both good and bad qualities are equally responsible for defining a person. So when you say you love a person but at the same time try to convince him/ her to change certain things because you do not like them, don't you attempt to change the very definition of that person? So ask yourself whether you speak the truth whenever you express your love to that person. I feel that love is all about accepting the person as he/she is - to love the qualities you like and accept the qualities you may not like. You need to realize that the good qualities are many folds heavier than the bad qualities and that is the reason why you love the one you do.

Coming back to my friends answer to the question, she had written ,"Love is not about compromises." Taking a cue from this and that the next step up from love has always been marriage for her and the fact that she is soon to be married, I must say that her understanding of love and hence marriage is something which I do not agree with. It would have been an ideal world if we would not have to make compromises, especially in love and in marriage. But the fact is we make daily compromises. The key is to make compromises that you are happy about. That way the realtionship lasts. The key to a relationship is that it is mutually beneficial to both, that it is mutually symbiotic, that the two help each other grow. But when you are not happy with the compromises you make, when one person grows at the cost of another, that relationship becomes parasitic and it dies out sooner or later. I guess the sooner we realize that we have to make compromises and also where to draw the line, we would all have a healthy and lasting love life.

I know the topic is very debatable and as always I am eager to receive your comments. But this time around it is to know what you have learnt from your past relationships. So do keep them coming.

May a thousand love bloom and may all have happy endings!
Amen.

-CK-

To be or not to be

My friend's response to my previous post:

I completely agree to your saying that any commitment devoid of love always becomes monotonous and that ideally relationships should be commitment out of love and respect. Reflecting on the same lines, could you tell me how many people are fortunate enough to have experienced those kinda ideal relationships? Only a fortunate few probably! Well, pondering on these lines, this is what comes to my mind…

Relationships start with love…… when we believe that we are in love and commit ourselves to that relationship. With time we grow as individuals and go through various phases in life. Gradually things become a part of our life. The relationship that was such a big thing in life is now just a part of life and is taken for granted. Then people start having differences…..some of them could probably be sorted out easily…. but some others need compromise….. you need to compromise and mould yourself in a way that’s best for the relationship. That might not be actually what you are, but that’s what best-suites your partner. What do you do then?

Do you compromise and change yourself…. Or do you maintain your individuality and move ahead in life?
I know the 1st choice is obvious when these changes are something that you yourself think is ideally the best thing to do; but what if you do not hold the same opinion…what if you think that what you are doing is absolutely fine and that’s how you should always be….what if its gotta do with something with which you identify yourself….what do you do then… part your ways with your partner or with your identity? Which one would you part ways with?

I must say that the questions are getting tougher by each post. I must say, you have caught me on the wrong foot this time. However, I’ll try to be as ‘politically’ correct as possible.

Now coming straight to the point, compromises are a part of life. The sooner you accept it, the better. But then there is a limit to everything. Compromise on wishes and desires but never compromise on values and identity. If you do so, you will suffocate in the relationship. The worst thing that you can do to yourself is ‘change your identity’. If you do it because you are not comfortable with it, it would be acceptable, but not for somebody else. Moreover, if someone says that he loves you, he should accept you as you are with your good and bad qualities. If he tries to change your identity, he’ll anyway lose the person he was in love, to start with.

Compromise because your partner means more to you than a mere wish, because he is special, and very important in your life. But in the process, don’t stop loving yourself. Anything that hurts your dignity or individuality (not ego – ego hustles can kill a relationship) is not worth doing. Compromise if need be; but with the thought that it is for your your own good, and not for your partner. Don’t ever try to keep a count of your compromises, or try to make your partner realize what you have done to keep the relationship going, because that would be selfish. If your partner is attentive and caring, he will know what you have done.

But if your partner is adamant on changing you, and is busy finding faults within you (one question that comes to mind is, “How on earth did he fall in love with you if you are so wrong?”), or if he does not respect your individuality, you are sure to feel tied up in that relationship. I feel that a relationship should help you grow, not hinder your growth. Such a relationship will do the latter. At junctures such as these, tough decisions become need of the hour.

But then, again the choice has to be yours. I, for one, have gone through all this, have made the mistake of compromising on my identity at times (I felt totally lost at times) because I did not have the courage to stand up strong for myself against someone whom I loved more than I loved myself. I feared losing her. But as I started showing more courage, she started to feel that I was changing - that distance had eroded my love for her. Yes, I was changing but not the way she thought. If only she had spoken her mind to me, I would have had a chance to clarify things. It’s correct that in a relationship, at no time should there be a stage when you need to justify your acts. But, misunderstandings are also a part of relationships. They can be sorted out only when two individuals talk freely.

When I say talk, I mean exactly that. Please sit across a table and try to sort out your differences like adults – no fighting/ quarrelling. If there is no way out, you should part ways amicably. End of a relationship is painful enough. Why would you need to inflict more pain on you and your partner by hurling abuses at him and accusing him?

Note: I have seen people for whom their individuality is not important. They just want to be in the company of their respective partners. So first find an answer to what you really want.

Fact of life: It is impossible to find someone who will never hurt you. So go for the one who is worth all the pain.

-CK (feel like a LOVE GURU already)-

Love or Commitment

One of my friends asked me, “What is more important, love or commitment?” Now, trying to explain this is very difficult and I may sound like a philosopher, but trust me that I will write what I feel.

Times have changed. In our parents’ days, people got married and entered a life-long commitment. Love followed, and couples used to spend their entire life together. But then what is important is that love followed. The same can hold true today also. But any commitment devoid of love always becomes monotonous. Look at our jobs for example. We are committed to our work, but there is no love for the company, or the project. Had we loved everything here, we would say, “Thank God it’s Monday!” and not, “Oh God, it’s Monday!” The idea is that if you keep giving way to the other person (your partner) just because you are committed to him/ her, a time will come when you will face an identity crisis. Trying to stand for what you strongly feel does not mean you have a big ego. In fact your partner should understand that you, as an individual, have a right to opinion. Am I deviating from the topic? I think so.

If you are in a relationship only because of commitment and no love, you would feel the same about going back home as you feel now about Monday mornings. And trust me; it would not be a good feeling. I feel it is easier for someone who has not been in a relationship to marry and fall in love (of course with his/her spouse). But for us, it will be very difficult. However wrong it is, the prospective partner would be graded on the scale of our experience, and comparisons are inevitable. But then, we must not forget that he/she would be a different individual.

Now, a situation of all love and no commitment also means you are in troubled waters. Actually, the concept itself is very debatable. If you love a person, you will be committed to him/ her automatically. How can one be in love and not be committed at the same time? If someone tells you that he loves you, and at the same time he cannot control his virility – trust me; he deserves a GPL.

Ideally, a relationship should be a commitment out of love and respect. But then, everyone should make his/ her own choice, because one man’s meat can be another’s poison.

-CK-