Friday, December 01, 2006

To be or not to be

My friend's response to my previous post:

I completely agree to your saying that any commitment devoid of love always becomes monotonous and that ideally relationships should be commitment out of love and respect. Reflecting on the same lines, could you tell me how many people are fortunate enough to have experienced those kinda ideal relationships? Only a fortunate few probably! Well, pondering on these lines, this is what comes to my mind…

Relationships start with love…… when we believe that we are in love and commit ourselves to that relationship. With time we grow as individuals and go through various phases in life. Gradually things become a part of our life. The relationship that was such a big thing in life is now just a part of life and is taken for granted. Then people start having differences…..some of them could probably be sorted out easily…. but some others need compromise….. you need to compromise and mould yourself in a way that’s best for the relationship. That might not be actually what you are, but that’s what best-suites your partner. What do you do then?

Do you compromise and change yourself…. Or do you maintain your individuality and move ahead in life?
I know the 1st choice is obvious when these changes are something that you yourself think is ideally the best thing to do; but what if you do not hold the same opinion…what if you think that what you are doing is absolutely fine and that’s how you should always be….what if its gotta do with something with which you identify yourself….what do you do then… part your ways with your partner or with your identity? Which one would you part ways with?

I must say that the questions are getting tougher by each post. I must say, you have caught me on the wrong foot this time. However, I’ll try to be as ‘politically’ correct as possible.

Now coming straight to the point, compromises are a part of life. The sooner you accept it, the better. But then there is a limit to everything. Compromise on wishes and desires but never compromise on values and identity. If you do so, you will suffocate in the relationship. The worst thing that you can do to yourself is ‘change your identity’. If you do it because you are not comfortable with it, it would be acceptable, but not for somebody else. Moreover, if someone says that he loves you, he should accept you as you are with your good and bad qualities. If he tries to change your identity, he’ll anyway lose the person he was in love, to start with.

Compromise because your partner means more to you than a mere wish, because he is special, and very important in your life. But in the process, don’t stop loving yourself. Anything that hurts your dignity or individuality (not ego – ego hustles can kill a relationship) is not worth doing. Compromise if need be; but with the thought that it is for your your own good, and not for your partner. Don’t ever try to keep a count of your compromises, or try to make your partner realize what you have done to keep the relationship going, because that would be selfish. If your partner is attentive and caring, he will know what you have done.

But if your partner is adamant on changing you, and is busy finding faults within you (one question that comes to mind is, “How on earth did he fall in love with you if you are so wrong?”), or if he does not respect your individuality, you are sure to feel tied up in that relationship. I feel that a relationship should help you grow, not hinder your growth. Such a relationship will do the latter. At junctures such as these, tough decisions become need of the hour.

But then, again the choice has to be yours. I, for one, have gone through all this, have made the mistake of compromising on my identity at times (I felt totally lost at times) because I did not have the courage to stand up strong for myself against someone whom I loved more than I loved myself. I feared losing her. But as I started showing more courage, she started to feel that I was changing - that distance had eroded my love for her. Yes, I was changing but not the way she thought. If only she had spoken her mind to me, I would have had a chance to clarify things. It’s correct that in a relationship, at no time should there be a stage when you need to justify your acts. But, misunderstandings are also a part of relationships. They can be sorted out only when two individuals talk freely.

When I say talk, I mean exactly that. Please sit across a table and try to sort out your differences like adults – no fighting/ quarrelling. If there is no way out, you should part ways amicably. End of a relationship is painful enough. Why would you need to inflict more pain on you and your partner by hurling abuses at him and accusing him?

Note: I have seen people for whom their individuality is not important. They just want to be in the company of their respective partners. So first find an answer to what you really want.

Fact of life: It is impossible to find someone who will never hurt you. So go for the one who is worth all the pain.

-CK (feel like a LOVE GURU already)-


Varun said...
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Varun said...
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Varun said...

I was thinking about this during lunch. I have come to a conclusion that I am not the right person to comment on this topic. That's the reason why i deleted the last two comments as well...

ASSET said...

Hi CK....

Welcome to blogging.A nice topic to start with.Very debatable, and I feel every1 must b hvg his/her opinion on this.Let me express mine.

The topics talked abt in the post are:
1. Love
2. Commitment
3. Individuality in a relationship
4. Ideal Relationship

Lets address them one by one.
Love: What is love? Even the best of the philosophers can't pen it down in words.
I feel love is a special feeling that comes right from the heart.Dont include mind in it.
Many a times ppl confuse love with liking.They are two completely different feelings.One may like a person a lot, feel abt him/her a lot, but what separates love from liking is the expectations.The biggest grace of love is that it is unconditional.It doesn't demand

Ppl will question then how will a relationship run when there r no demand.Remmbr Meera never had a demand when she fell in love with Krishna.
But then not always such cases happen.Due to the contemporary scenario and also the societal mores, the mind does come into play sooner or later.That is when the questioning starts,the demands are born and the analysis begins.This leads a person to the second topic : Commitment.

Who demands commitment? It is never the heart, coz it has already given in,it has nothing
more to get.Its the mind that puts such questions in a person's mind.
Commitment is a very weak word,if you ask me.It may seem the opposite, but what it brings in,in a relationship is sea of expectations.I dont say they are not required per se, but they weaken the bond which was formed from heart to heart.Coz now u r gonna talk at subliminal levels.

Anyway, I'll not go deep.So, commitment is very much reqd. in today's relationship, but it shud never be based on compromise.Sometimes, it has to be, like in cases of arranged marriages(not always though). Compromises comes with its own pitfalls.If done to weed out negatives in a person, it works positively.But if done to overpower or if one-sided,it leads the relationship to doom, sooner than later.Now, what can be the extent of compromise, one may ask?There cannot be a generic answer like one-fits all, but there can be certain basic groundrules for such a compromise.That leads me to the third topic: Individuality in a

What is individuality, BTW?
A person has some core values,mores,attitudes stuck deep within himself/herself, which are the part of the subconscious.Not many ppl are aware of such ingrained aspects of oneself,which is what guide them in day-2-day life.I dont say that whtever these core values are,are always correct, but it hurts a person if tries to play with them, or change them.They may be changed for good, or may get damaged forever.It depends on how they are handled, or rather allowed to be handled.
I believe individuality is very important for any person, and shud not be touched unless in cases where the core values are actually harmful for the person himself/herself.In such cases, the person shud make efforts to work upon them, with the help of the other half.N this requires real patience from ur other half.
But again, this is also a subjective term.Who defines they are good or bad?The answer is: you, who has to decide with a cold blood and a mature head, whts right for you.

One more thing I want to add here is the respect of the boundaries in a relationship.Every person needs breathing space,and ur length of boundaries differ for different ppl based on our closeness with them.For a relationship involving love, I feel they can be narrow, but they shud still be respected.I feel with time, they melt down and the two individuals come more closer, but still the room for breathing shud never b intruded.

Now lastly, wht forms an ideal relationship.Ideally speaking "Ideal Relationship" is an oxymoron.I remmbr a saying in this context.It goes,
"I was looking for a Perfect Girl,
But alas, when I found her,
She was looking for the Perfect Man"

So, no relationship can be called perfect.But one thing that does make it perfect is:Love,nothing else.If you can carry this one thing throughout your life, the relationship will always be ideal, otherwise whenevr its gone or even depleted,its like coming down the hill, the cracks r gonna increase with time.There may b times when ppl feel suffocated, frustrated, sidelined in a relationship, but if it is a relationship formed on love and only love,the candle will still burn in the wind.N whts more,yours will b the ideal relationship, my son.(ala "IF")

So, hv patience in life, value relationship, n most importantly hv a Love in life.